I’m here but can’t get through

I’m having one of those days today. I just can’t seem to wake up. I don’t want to sleep, but I’m just not here.

It feels almost like I’m in a see-through cotton wool ball. I’m here, but there’s this fuzziness in the way. A barrier. It’s squishy though so it’s not like I’m distant. I’m protected and can function, but my personality can’t get through the cotton wool. It’s taken a back seat.

Any sparkle I may have can’t beat it’s way through. I’m trying and fighting, yet losing. The fight takes up more energy which I don’t have. Which makes it worse. Which makes me frustrated that as I’m coming across like some numpty, dull, nothing there, no spark or life. Yet it is there! It’s inside me really strong even in my low energy state, I just can’t fight it through the cotton wool today.

It’s not bad enough to write off the day as if I’m ill, just bad enough to make me fight perpetually, look stupid to others and ultimately lose.

I hate this. The day is in limbo. Not a relax and write it off/relax day. Not a productive one. Just a frustrating one. It’s painful, physically and emotionally.

Some things can take me out of this state. I have tried them today but they haven’t worked. Actually they have made it worse!

I have an under active thyroid.

I don’t like to label myself or blame it, as that only draws attention and power and somehow excuses or makes it ok. Which it isn’t. Yet sometimes I want to tell people why I am like this. It’s not me. Although in some ways it is, this is a part of me as much as I don’t like that thought.

See I’m going round in circles?

I wanted to try and explain what this feels like. No idea if I’ve achieved that in this post. But here was the attempt.

Roll on tomorrow!

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